Bonne année, tout le monde!

We can all agree that 2010 was an eventful year…

So many “damn, did that really go down” moments. Can you believe that we are at the beginning of a new decade? Wow. As custom, I’d like to provide a list of important lessons from the past year.

  1. Do not misjudge your place amongst a group of boys. A woman is an “invited guest”. She is there either because she is someone’s girlfriend, a potential hook-up, or extremely charismatic (and still a potential-hook up).
  2. Pour les hommes — eggs and rice are not okay to cook for a lady on a first date at your place. Period.
  3. College boys, be gone! There are far more satisfying options elsewhere.
  4. On-line dating is the future. If you’re in a rut, maybe you should give it a try. You’ll be surprised.
  5. Don’t be discouraged if a hook up doesn’t happen immediately. Give it time. When the moment is right, everything will work out. Trust me.
  6. Pour faire l’amour la première nuit est bonne, mais seulement si elle se passe en français.
  7. Don’t place so much pressure on love and relationships. Things come and things go. Just live and enjoy the present moment.

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Les Bros.

The thing about guy friends is there always some sort of political game.

Everyone starts out somewhat neutral, bound together by a common friendship. Guys are easy to kick it with. They’re chill and easy going, they love to just have a good time. Girls are so complicated and annoying, you think,  these boys make me laugh.

And then someone starts liking you.

More often than not it’s the unattractive one. Everyone knows about it — including you. It’s cute, but you put your foot down immediately. Hell no is anything happening between us, you think.

And then you start to develop feelings for one of them

Usually he’s the leader of the pack…the one who calls all the shots….maybe he’s the funny one. It didn’t matter before. You could tease each other, pick fights, laugh, joke, wrestle, tickle — it was all just fun. But now, with this silly crush, you cannot help but blush when he pokes fun at you. And the funny thing is…

You can tell he likes you too!

That’s when all the silly drama starts. The boys start acting all weird when you come around.

  • If  you kissed him, that pleasant platonic friendship is over and everything is askew.
  • If you didn’t kiss him, well, you’re still not welcome. He doesn’t want to be bothered by some hot chick who rejected him when he’s with his bros.

Sigh. I still prefer guy friends over girlfriends. But sometimes…

Boys are so complicated.


Baisers des hommes dans le lit.

I’d like to take a moment to discuss a rule…

Kissing men in bed.

I used to think this was an innocent ordeal….

I like you, there is a bed, no one is home, let’s just kiss each other.”

And in my opinion it should be this way. I DON’T SEE WHY NAUGHTY ENDEAVORS MUST ALWAYS LEAD TO SEX!

Sometimes things are left best in their simplicity. But some things aren’t that simple.

I mentioned the rule to a French friend of mine over coffee today and he quickly interrupted me:

“Agh! I would be extremely offended if a woman took me into her bedroom, kissed me, led me on, but then refused to have sex! THAT’S JUST PLAIN WRONG!”

Yes, yes, I know. Believe me, I learned this lesson the hard way.

If you don’t want make love to a grown man, don’t be cruel and fool around with him.

But I cannot help but wonder if this is the same rule for a boy.

Surely they are not as complicated.

Chapitre 1: Coucher ensamble sans coucher ensamble

I remember my first real boy/girl sleep over.

I arrived in my pajamas thinking we’d play a game of sexy twister before cuddling up in front of a movie with popcorn. “We’ll flirt and giggle till dawn” I thought “and I’ll wake up entangled in a cute boy’s arms.”

Turns out sexy twister wasn’t the only thing on his mind that night…

Somehow this pattern continued to haunt me in college and eventually turned into a real problem.

I failed to realize that lying in a man’s bed at night sends a certain message…..

The following is a list of rules I wish I could have sent myself 2 years ago. My French friends tell me to relax and just go with the flow of things, but quite honestly I feel that this particular matter needs to be handled with pragmatic discretion. There is nothing worse then regretted sex. Nothing. If you are like me, then perhaps now you can avoid some sticky situations.

1. To begin, sleeping in bed together does not automatically denote sleeping together. And any mec who doesn’t respect that is immature.

2. ….that is unless it’s because he picked you up from a club or bar. Then the signal was clear…

3. In the heat of the moment, chances are you won’t be thinking clearly so it’s best to decide exactly what you want before so if you do sleep together, at least you will know that you made that decision yourself.

4. However if you do not want to baiser, it’s only fair to be honest from the beginning. Tactfully of course (Immediately after the kisses start to get hot — but don’t wait too long).

5. ATTENTION: once les culottes are gone all bets are off. In fact it’s best to just keep your tights on.

6. Be wary of the morning after!!!! Seriously. You think you have successfully secured a safe sexy sleep over, think again. The morning is actually the most dangerous time because you are hazy and drunk with assurance!

7. It is important to consider if you’ve been manipulated into this situation. Are you drunk? Did you randomly show up at his front door by Moped? Then it’s best to be going.

8. Don’t push it. Seriously, a man can only handle so much torture.

Bottom line, it’s just best to be honest…especially if it’s the first night. As long as everyone is on the same page, a little fun won’t hurt

Enjoy!

Agissez comme une putain!

Last week, I had the pleasure of discussing French dating rites with a gay man.

Basically — he said to me in French — It’s a parallel universe here. The men sit and wait while the women do the chasing. And the ladies are animals — complete sluts.

I wasn’t quite sure if I understood him correctly — But wait. I always thought that French women are horrified of being sluts and men find them to be unbearably prude.

Nope. He shook his head.  Not at all. If you want a man, you  gotta be a slut and do the draguer yourself.

Of course, I can only take the dating advice of a Caribbean homosexual dance instructor choreographing a fashion show so seriously….

But he did have a point. When I went on holiday and left Paris for the weekend a few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed by the aggressive sexual nature of the French girls. They made their desires so blatant that even I felt uncomfortable.

Il était une fois, dans une ville appelée Paris…

Last month decided to put my foot down.

I was getting fed up of playing the damsel in distress who anxiously awaits for her prince charming to rescue her. I don’t live in the tallest tower in a far away land with dragons and firey pits. I live in Paris. And if I want something, I’m going to have to put on my long black coat and knee high boots, grab my umbrella, and go get it myself!

My prince charming was not one of those tall Parisian boys with feathered black hair, crisp skinny jeans, with a cigarette and motorcycle casque in hand. No, I was falling for someone a bit more simple, a bit more American (but still French!), and someone I actually trusted.

We’d become real friends and I’d always enjoyed it his company when he came over. He started picking up on my nervous humor and asked why I’d so quiet lately. So finally I gathered my courage, took a deep breath and told him:

“the truth is, I’d love to kiss you —”

MAIS NON! my other French friend cried when I recounted this story. You NEVER DO THAT!

But why? I asked (slightly annoyed that he’d interrupted me).

Because guys don’t want to hear that kind of stuff. A girl can’t say how she feels — it makes us feels scared!

This annoyed me even more. So, I asked him slightly impatiently:

Well, what else was I supposed to do if I want him to know how he feels?

You get him drunk and then just go in for the kiss. That way the next day you can just blame on the alcohol.

This sufficiently pissed me off. What do you think I am – some college boy at a club?! I wanted to yell.

But he was right — for it was nearly a month before I ever saw my old friend again — and we never spoke of the exchange.

I cannot help but wonder if this is a culture difference. Or a gender difference. Or an age difference.

And I guess I just have to keep waiting in this terrasse until I figure it out.

Le coup fatal

I spoke before of la honte, the shame we feel after we’ve kissed someone not worth it.

But what if it was not a disgraceful kiss? What if the moment you shared was genuine because there was an attraction that was exchanged at the wrong time?

I’m talking now about the girl you always liked but you were always too proud to say anything.
So one night at a party you got her drunk and made your move when you were sure she wouldn’t reject you.
Now it’s the next day….and somehow she seems less appealing.

This is entirely unfair. Not only is it weak for a man to use alcohol to approach a woman, but makes her apart of the silly games he plays with himself.


					

Une Nouvelle Année. Un Nouveau Visage.

2009 has come and gone.

These are a few rules that I’d like to share with you…Nothing serious, just a few lessons I had to learn the hard way that you know can avoid.

1. In Paris, don’t wear American Apparel dresses that are so short you can see the butt cheek. That could fly in LA, but in Paris – no, no.

2. Don’t bother approaching guys in Paris. American men find it charming, French men think it’s aggressive. (French men are just all backwards).

3. Actually no, I take that back, approach if they seem like fun, you may get a crazy adventure out of it!

4. If a guy likes you and you don’t feel the same way, tell him FROM THE START that you just want to be friends. In fact, crush any thread of hope he may have of being your man. Otherwise, he’ll call you at 2 in the morning, send you desperate text messages and e-mails, and totally cockblock other boys who approach you at parties.

5. The lady should pay for her dinner unless the gentleman offers. Duh.

6. Don’t add boys on facebook just because they’re cute. I mean, even if he were to message you hello, ask you out, and become your boyfriend, the whole thing is just incredibly lame. So please, just don’t.

7. And speaking of facebook, please don’t write your life story on your status. No one wants to read that s*&# on their news feed!

7 1/5.Oh and by the way, don’t write countless lovey douvy comments on your lover’s wall. The rest of the world did that in high school.

8. Don’t tell guys you have a boyfriend but would like to be friends just because you want him to be take you out to dinner. You will be caught.

9. Don’t bother giving your number to a mec at a club if you can tell there’s nothing really there. (Unless your down for a booty call)

10. Don’t casually sleep in bed with a mec you sort of like (unless you really do want to get on the baiser)………..trust me.

bonne chance!

En Couple ou Célibataire?

There is no word for “boyfriend” in French.

Instead, the French use mon copain or ma copine to specify a lover which literally translates to “my friend”. One could say, mon petit ami which means “my little friend”, but that’s just as lame in French as it is in English. So, as you can see, the mere word for boyfriend is just as vague as the entire concept.

I spoke before of the magic of a kiss here in Europe. For once, a girl can allow the sweet first kiss at your door step with a charming stranger to mean something. There need not be any suspicious glances and defensive remarks. No questionable intentions. It’s simple and sweet. But now we are confronted with a new issue…

So, what does a kiss mean exactly?

Perhaps the answer is to not worry about it and just allow the relationship to be what it is. Yes, one could discuss it and clear uncertainty, but if there is no confusion and it doesn’t create any problems, than why bother?

Am I walking straight into a shit hole? Probably. But sometimes the “so, what are we?” conversation just messes things up. It terrifies men and makes them feel trapped! Putting up boxes, setting boundaries, writing contracts only makes a mess of things.

besides, it’s sexier to leave it ambiguous…

le baiser américain.

American girls like to kiss boys.

We do. We kiss boys at parties, at clubs, on dates, in movie theaters, we kiss our friends. Kissing doesn’t mean anything. It’s fun!

But in Paris, ce n’est pas la même chose. I learned something kind of crucial yesterday, a European standard that is actually kind of amazing. Here it is…

If you kiss a boy in Paris, it means something…….

I know what your thinking. “It means something in the States too!”

Nope. You can go out with a boy for an entire month, you can go on dates, he can come over to your place for dinner, you can introduce him to all of your friends, he can even bring you soup when your sick! But unless you become “official” he’s aloud to do whatever the fuck he wants! Sure you can get mad. But he’ll just throw a line like “But I never said we were exclusive!” at you and he’s in the clear.

Our dating system is the product of our consumer society. We want more. We like to pick and choose. “I like this for right now, but I also want this, and perhaps I’ll get some of this later”.

In France (or in most of Europe apparently), people do not go on “dates”. Dinner and a movie? Cut the bullshit and get to the good stuff. You either like each other or you don’t. And if  you’ve kissed then your going out. Plain and simple. Perhaps you’ll only go out for 2 weeks. Perhaps you’ll go out for a year and a half. But your going out. There is no picking and choosing.

Of course you have the players who’ll fuck you over before you can say “je m’appelle ...” But their cunning and swift moves are pretty easy to spot and are alluring in an unusually charming way (French men are usually terrible flirts…)

Otherwise, it’s a very straightforward system. It’s actually quite wonderful.

Finally, a girl can allow something as wonderful as a kiss to mean something!