Singledom.

The last time we went to Vegas, my best friend was such a bore.

“LET’S GO!” I cried, “YOU HAVE THAT HOT SWEDISH GUY, ANDRE, WAITING FOR YOU AT THE CLUB!”

She’d been sulking around our hotel room eating room service watching Rush Hour flicks in her granny robe and hair bonnet. After 15 hours, she pulled herself out of bed, slopped on some make up, and left with me to the club.

The girl was too comfortable being single.

It’s easy to get cozy when you’re single: No need to shave, no need to do your laundry, you’re free to eat too many burritos and let your ass get fat, you can actually get some sleep!!! Or not, because you were out last night with what’s-his-face. You don’t owe anybody anything!

But is it healthy?

Have you ever been with a girl or guy who has been célibataire for too long?

Sometimes they jidder and shake from the lack of release.

Some dudes get angst and pick fights.

They lurk behind chicks at clubs unsure of how to approach.

Girls get needy with their friends. They throw themselves at nerdy or unsafe men. They come on to their guy friends.

They’ve lost their ability to make human connections, to flirt, to have a bit of fun. They’re desperate!

I normally hate on relationships

…but tonight, I’m hating on singledom.

One is the loneliest number? Je pense pas.

Things to do in Manhattan this Spring.

Spring is not lovely because of the Yankee games…

C’est les cuisses.

(It’s your thighs.)

It is time for men to feast their eyes upon bare knees and thighs, so you better start tanning…

Cuisse – friendly activities in Manhattan

1. Cross your legs at the Soho International Film Festival. At the reception, eye flirt with curly-haired French directors (hate on Godard, they’ll love it).

2. Jog through Battery Park. No, don’t wear those lazy pink VS sweatpants! Wear your jogging shorts and your cute sweater (so many hot Financial-District guys down there).

3. It’s still a bit windy, so grab a cute pair of undies on sale at La Petite Coquette, in case your skirt flies up as you descend into the MTA. (It happens to all of us).

4. Enjoy a bare-legged picnic in Washington Square after studying for finals at Bobst NYU Library (brown bag the twist-cap champagne, apparently you remember things better with liquor).

5. Strut over to Beacon’s Closet and update your wardrobe for the spring. (I bought 6 work and play dresses for $150).

La première rencontre (idéale).

The Perfect First Date.

1. Meet for breakfast at Philip Marie in the West Village. Share stories about Paris and Shang-hei. Drink mimosas until you are asked to leave.

2. Demand that the taxi driver stop at 9th Ave and 13th Street. Race to Agent Provocateur. Browse their Spring Collection.

3. Stumble upon a parade. Make fun of the traditional music. Tease the policemen.

4. Stroll through Central Park. Make out beneath cherry blossoms.

5. Draw opinions from the nude Matisse paintings at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

6. Take a taxi to a bar to meet a friend. Order a Manhattan. Make your friend feel uncomfortable.

7. Ditch your friend and hit up a sleezy pub. Take pickle back shots. Forget that you are dancing.

8. Suddenly awake in your bed (alone) at one AM, unsure of how you got there.

Les aventures d’une fille perdue…

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dear Diary,

I had an appointment to see an apartment in Midtown. When the tiny girl opened her front door, she shrieked and scared the both of us (I don’t think she expected me to be six feet tall). She showed me the cluttered apartment and talked a lot about her diet.

I left feeling awkward, I’ll put it in the “maybe” pile.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear Diary,

I was contacted by a guy named Joe, who lives in the Upper West Side. From the pictures, the apartment looked spacious, decently furnished, and full of light.

Then, Joe told me that I could use his towels and didn’t mind if I cooked dinner all the time. He mentioned that he had a 7-year-old son, and didn’t allow cocaine in the living room.

He was pissed when I cancelled the appointment later that day…

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

I went to see a BEAUTIFUL little home on the Upper East Side owned by a married couple. The husband, a tall dark-haired man from Quebec, showed me the place, including his shared bedroom downstairs, and we began to speak in French.

When his wife stepped out of the bathroom, her head shot up and she stared me down the way a coyote scrutinizes a dog before a fight.

She said they were meeting other tenants and slammed the door as I left.

Awkward…

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Dear Diary,

I just read in the Daily News that a Russian guy, Sergey Mamontov, chopped up his room mate after a fight, because he partied too hard….

Another reason not to move to Brooklyn.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Dear Diary,

It makes NO sense that Carry Bradshaw lived alone in a 1-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, ate out all the time, and had so many shoes. She must have had a sugar daddy or a rich uncle in Vermont…

Apartment hunter.

A wise woman once said…

In New York, they say you’re always looking for a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment.

I suppose, this month the  apartment thing is the most pertinent.

Tips to finding a great apartment in Manhattan.

1. Go to a Roommate Party, where entrance is only five dollars and you can meet people in person and see if you click!

2. To avoid $2,000 broker fees, search Craigslist and isolate the search to your budget and location (i.e. $1200 – $1500; Manhattan).

3. It’s okay to contact that random cousin you haven’t spoken to since Christmas ’08. They may have leads.

4. If you are in school, speak to Student Services. Or mention your search to HR or the boss’s assistant at your job (I knew someone who rented out his boss’s place while he got acclimated).

5. Write clear and engaging inquires to renters with words like “tidy” or “lovely.” Be clear about who you are and what you do (and that you are awesome). Customize each e-mail, compliment their “colorful” or “spacious” apartment.

Beware of:

• Humanitarians from Africa needing to rent out their apartment immediately, so please send me your bank account information…
• Dudes looking for a female 20-something roommate….
•  Spacious, beautiful Downtown studio apartments for only $950 a month.
• Ads that say “asdlfh sdo;”

Harlem / Morningside Heights have the best deals for the most space, but it’s a long commute and you gotta have thick skin and street smarts (pas moi...)

Upper East / West side have lovely homes that are great for sharing at inexpensive prices and it’s rather quiet.

It’s not hard to find a good deal in Midtown, though the apartment building maybe a bit worn (i.e. janky). The location is worth it though.

If you find a decent deal in The Village, expect to pay a solid penny every month.

If you want to live in Soho without paying exorbant sugar baby prices, you may want to settle for Bowery, just east of Elizabeth Street.

How to pick up guys at a club in Manhattan.

I suddenly realized that most girls don’t approach most guys.

But I tell you, it is a necessity if you are a twenty-something single girl living it up (or. busting your balls) in Manhattan. You don’t have time to sit around, wait, bat your pretty lashes, and play footsie:

Your twenties last only a decade!!!

Here are a few tips:

1. Wear heals. Not only do men love the way heals accentuate your pretty legs, but it gives you a heavy dose of confidence. And honestly, men love Steve Madden as much as Manolo Blahnik (any man who says otherwise is checking out more than just you and your shoes).

2. Hit the dance-bar or club with one or two best friends. Don’t go with too many girls. Too many ladies in a single group is fun, but creates a dynamic where no one wants to feel left out.

3. Exude that sexy confidence. Stand up straight, play with your hair, laugh, and have fun. (A Manhattan or two doesn’t hurt either…whiskey yum yum.)

4. Speaking of Manhattans, buy your own drink. If you’re waiting for a dude to buy you a drink, you emit an air of neediness and set yourself up for disappointment.

5. Seek a decent man within your immediate surroundings and strike up a convo about anything. He doesn’t have to be hot, in fact, start off with someone who’s decently average. Not only will his attention will make you feel confident, other dudes will see you talking to him and want your attention. (Plus, he may actually be a pretty nice guy despite his average looks, which is just as awesome).

6. Do shots at the bar to get the ball rolling. It’s fun and gets other people’s attention.

7. Leave the bar and go dance with your bestie, no guys allowed. (Generates lots of attention).

8. Keep an eye out for the tall foreign guys: the Swedes, the Frenchies, the Spaniards. They are the easiest to meet because they want to meet new people. These guys may not have table and tend to be around the bar with their buddies.

9. Somewhere, there is likely to be a promoter or some rich dude in real estate with a lot of girls and a lot of champagne. It’s easy to slip through over to their table and pretend your one of the crowd!

10. In Paris, my best friend and I had a thing we called la dance d’amour. When a hot guy was on the dance floor, we’d go over and dance wildly with each other. After a few minutes, flash a quick smile at him, and I promise he will approach.

Alas, with my crazy work and school schedule, I have no more time to go clubbing. So, please share your adventures and I will live vicariously through you.

Spotlight: Spa 88

For $35, you can take spa day at Spa 88

Enjoy unlimited use of the locker rooms, steam room, several saunas, ice bath, lounge, and restaurant. The upstairs facility included a huge pool and jacuzzi. There are also a number of moderately priced treatments for an additional cost.

To be honest, I was creeped out by this place. Too many hairy fat men in the jacuzzi and nearly nude Russian girls chatting in the steam rooms. Swimming suits are required — thank god — but buff men still bathed themselves with soap in the sauna…

I’m the spoiled spa type, but you may like it if you are a man unaccustomed to bathing facilities.

Currently, Bloomspot has a great $25 for two voucher. Go with a buddy if you’re not grossed out by hairy men. There are also a lot of fit Russian girls chatting about in their bikinis.

Wall Street Spa & Bath 88

88 Fulton St

New York, NY 10038

Between Gold St & William St

(212) 766-8600

www.wallstreetbath.com

La Vrai New Yorkais.

New Yorkers don’t realize that there is a more reasonable way to live….

You don’t need to spend $2,500 on a tiny studio apartment. If you’re visiting friends outside of Manhattan, it’s not necessary to spend $200 on a private vehicle to pick you up.

 I see it all so clearly, and yet, I’m the worst kind of “new” New Yorker.

It’s been four months and I’m already equipped with my:

1. A tiny apartment complete with malfunctioning cookware and Chinese roommates.
2. An obligatory pair of Tory Burch shoes.
3. Three x-boyfriends who live within a 5 mile radius (and yet I never see them!)
4. $500 in season hair style (Black people multiply our hair care expenses by 98 % … )
5. Regular mani-pedi found on Groupon.
6. A newly discovered adoration for Proust.
7. An escalated tolerance to whiskey and vodka (nowadays, I have to settle for tequila)
8. A pretty damn good rotation.
9. And two jobs to pay for it all.

Me prendre si je tombe.

I think this one is getting to me…

And it’s different from what I’d ever imagine for myself.

Since I moved to New York, I feel like I’ve been thrust into a real life that twists, turns, and suddenly those sorts of inordinate things that I normally count on for stability don’t matter so much.

“I fall sometimes,” was one of the first things that I told him about myself. “Not very often, but sometimes,” I twisted my face into a wince that only drunkeness can educe. He looked back at me with penetrating scrutiny, but his expression remained still. “That’s fine. I can catch you.”

And that’s how it started.

It’s funny, those other inordinate things that I used to talk about so much –education, height, family, bank account — none of those things replace presence. Those inordinate things are illusions for security; they mean very little if a man is not there in his head or in his heart.

 

La vie belle.

Hey you, I’ve been working like a dog these past couple of weeks. Work 9-5, then class until 8, and on the weekends I work at the restaurant, so I have no time to play. I’ll call you when I have a chance. Soft kisses. 

 

That’s a lie, I have plenty of time to play.

Play is as simple as smiling coquettishly at a gentleman who wears a nice suit, going to dinner with a handsome stranger, or reading a dirty novella in French on the metro. You can splurge on a brand new pair of Tory Burch leather boots, drink three Hairy Navels before bedtime, and then wake up, put on a fresh face, and head out the door.

What would all this be for if it weren’t for play? 

Yes, I work like a dog, but everyone in Manhattan works, so really that’s just an excuse.

I cannot decide if it’s because I’m strong or if it’s because I’m weak.

Which is more tenacious?

To be in control of your own life and hold your destiny by the reins,

or to fall into the arms of something greater than you can even begin to imagine…. 

Right now, I’m going to say the former.

I cannot handle anything that I cannot handle.