Finally an answer….

Since the very beginning of this blog I’ve grappled with the question of love…

Two years ago, my innocent mind advocated the golden rule – the idea that a woman mustn’t give herself to a man too soon if she wants to be taken seriously.

It was a lovely, totally unrealistic sentiment.

Months later in Paris I discovered the subtle, intimate allure of slipping into a love affair that has no rules, no name, no ending….The sort of romance that burns entirely on passion and is absent of figures of regularity.

“Perhaps this is the difference,” I explained to a friend once I’d returned, “Americans hold love to rules and equations, while the French are not afraid amble hopelessly into their love affairs.”

The gentleman smiled at me, “I think it’s a matter of age, quite honestly.”

Age? Oh, I hadn’t considered that…

More time passed until we find ourselves in the present day and quite frankly…

I really don’t give a damn anymore.

If a man is going to fall in love with you, he’s going to fall in love with you. If he’s not, he’s not. Hold the act of love to your own standard. Enjoy your life, make the most of every moment, invest in your well being, and always move forward.

That is my motto.

His terms. Her terms.

I’ve been told several times that women have all the power.

Each time I almost choke up my drink from laughing so hard.

“Really? You think that we have the power?” 

Men usually stare back at me blankly, unsure if I’m being sarcastic.

So I explain, “Do you know how many relationships I’ve been in that were on his terms?”

Sure, when it comes to sex with a respectful man it is usually does begin on my terms. But the golden rule philosophy that I advocated so fervently two years ago is long, longover. Who wants to wait three weeks, three months, (heck even three days) for something that is so mutually wonderful?

What does it mean to be on his terms? You see each other when he is available. You have an exclusive relationship if he wants to. You stay mainly at his place. Yes, he may be kind enough to take you out to dinner or buy your movie tickets, but it’s still on his terms.

You’re here because he wants you here, when he’s ready for you to go, you go.

It’s pathetic. I don’t blame it on culture, it’s purely my own damn fault. But I have no interest in manipulation, I enjoy intimacy, I give in too easily. My best friend knows how to catch ‘em and keep ‘em with her sharp tongue and quick temper. She uses sex as punishment and reward. She likes to play games.

And so, my young mind inquires how does a woman have a relationship on equal terms without playing stupid love games. Is it a matter of whom you choose? How you choose? Where you choose? Does it depend on where you are in your life?

I’m going to ponder this question, experiment a bit, and get back to you about it later. Surely, there is a smart answer. I’m so tired of feeling like I have no control because I took control of what I really wanted.

La princesse pucelle

The French don’t appreciate my golden rule. They think its stupid.

When I explained my golden rule (a lady mustn’t baiser too soon) to my French neighbor – he laughed at me. ‘Then you will never have sex!’ he cackled.

Clearly this ‘mec’ has never wondered what’s it like to be a scorned 19-year-old girl. Perhaps our perspectives are just too different. Perhaps I am terribly naive, perhaps 6 years of catholic school education did manage to condition my psyche in the end. The fact still remains the same — ‘a lady mustn’t baiser too soon‘ if genuine intimacy and to be taken seriously is what she craves.

It will be interesting to see what prospective French lovers will think. I assume they will think I’m absolutely ridiculous. They’ll probably say ‘oh, ma petite pucelle qui a peur d’amour!’ Eventually, one by one they will stop calling when they realize there is no reason for their investment.

My French neighbor certainly agreed with my predictions. ‘Sex is supposed to be fun!’ He said. ‘In fact, you do not know if the relationship is right UNTIL you have sex!’ Perhaps my point of view is skewed in this chauvinist culture. But I’m not completely off, as I know that many French women wait MONTHS before they submit themselves to an exclusive, intimate relationship.

It probably all boils down to do the basic differences. Men want sex, women want intimacy. I know that you can’t always put boxes around broad concepts, but in general its true. And of course men hate to admit this, but they appreciate a good chase (if their goal is attainable — otherwise why bother).  Its not 100 percent of course and I’m sure that in less then a year my opinions will broaden, but when your living alone in a big European city full of lustful, deceitful men who cajole you with lies of passion and romance, I think its a good start.

… or at least a re-start.