Singledom.

The last time we went to Vegas, my best friend was such a bore.

“LET’S GO!” I cried, “YOU HAVE THAT HOT SWEDISH GUY, ANDRE, WAITING FOR YOU AT THE CLUB!”

She’d been sulking around our hotel room eating room service watching Rush Hour flicks in her granny robe and hair bonnet. After 15 hours, she pulled herself out of bed, slopped on some make up, and left with me to the club.

The girl was too comfortable being single.

It’s easy to get cozy when you’re single: No need to shave, no need to do your laundry, you’re free to eat too many burritos and let your ass get fat, you can actually get some sleep!!! Or not, because you were out last night with what’s-his-face. You don’t owe anybody anything!

But is it healthy?

Have you ever been with a girl or guy who has been célibataire for too long?

Sometimes they jidder and shake from the lack of release.

Some dudes get angst and pick fights.

They lurk behind chicks at clubs unsure of how to approach.

Girls get needy with their friends. They throw themselves at nerdy or unsafe men. They come on to their guy friends.

They’ve lost their ability to make human connections, to flirt, to have a bit of fun. They’re desperate!

I normally hate on relationships

…but tonight, I’m hating on singledom.

One is the loneliest number? Je pense pas.

Things to do in Manhattan this Spring.

Spring is not lovely because of the Yankee games…

C’est les cuisses.

(It’s your thighs.)

It is time for men to feast their eyes upon bare knees and thighs, so you better start tanning…

Cuisse – friendly activities in Manhattan

1. Cross your legs at the Soho International Film Festival. At the reception, eye flirt with curly-haired French directors (hate on Godard, they’ll love it).

2. Jog through Battery Park. No, don’t wear those lazy pink VS sweatpants! Wear your jogging shorts and your cute sweater (so many hot Financial-District guys down there).

3. It’s still a bit windy, so grab a cute pair of undies on sale at La Petite Coquette, in case your skirt flies up as you descend into the MTA. (It happens to all of us).

4. Enjoy a bare-legged picnic in Washington Square after studying for finals at Bobst NYU Library (brown bag the twist-cap champagne, apparently you remember things better with liquor).

5. Strut over to Beacon’s Closet and update your wardrobe for the spring. (I bought 6 work and play dresses for $150).

La première rencontre (idéale).

The Perfect First Date.

1. Meet for breakfast at Philip Marie in the West Village. Share stories about Paris and Shang-hei. Drink mimosas until you are asked to leave.

2. Demand that the taxi driver stop at 9th Ave and 13th Street. Race to Agent Provocateur. Browse their Spring Collection.

3. Stumble upon a parade. Make fun of the traditional music. Tease the policemen.

4. Stroll through Central Park. Make out beneath cherry blossoms.

5. Draw opinions from the nude Matisse paintings at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

6. Take a taxi to a bar to meet a friend. Order a Manhattan. Make your friend feel uncomfortable.

7. Ditch your friend and hit up a sleezy pub. Take pickle back shots. Forget that you are dancing.

8. Suddenly awake in your bed (alone) at one AM, unsure of how you got there.

La coquette milieu des hommes.

I went out dancing with a bunch of guy friends the other day.

As the token lady, I took it up on myself to make sure everyone had fun.

The tallest one, a med student, needed the most attention, so I gave him a prep speech, told him he was worth it, spotted a hot lonely brunette, and we went in for the kill.

From our faces, she could tell that we were up to something suspicious, and so she gestured to her friend – a tall, dark-haired mec.

“I’ll distract him, you distract her!”

I shouted above the music, and we each made our moves.

It was easy to slide over to the handsome homme and introduce myself….“salut”

…My buddy, on the other hand, lurked two feet behind the brunette, giving off a creepy vibe that freaked us all out.

-Take Two-

We tried a different chick, another thin brunette standing with her friend. I could tell they wanted attention because they kept eye flirting with guys.

(They probably don’t know about la dance d’amour)

This time we took a team approach: me casually at the front, him gradually from behind.

And of course, with his lurking creepiness, he freaked her out and she gravitated toward me.

“I think I may have a girl crush on you,” she yelled to me drunkly.

I stopped.

Noted her tiny hips tucked snugly into black pants,

her peep toe platform Jimmy Chou pumps,

the gold chain of her Chanel purse wrapped slender shoulder…

And I thought…Damn, I may have a girl crush too.

Les aventures d’une fille perdue…

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dear Diary,

I had an appointment to see an apartment in Midtown. When the tiny girl opened her front door, she shrieked and scared the both of us (I don’t think she expected me to be six feet tall). She showed me the cluttered apartment and talked a lot about her diet.

I left feeling awkward, I’ll put it in the “maybe” pile.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear Diary,

I was contacted by a guy named Joe, who lives in the Upper West Side. From the pictures, the apartment looked spacious, decently furnished, and full of light.

Then, Joe told me that I could use his towels and didn’t mind if I cooked dinner all the time. He mentioned that he had a 7-year-old son, and didn’t allow cocaine in the living room.

He was pissed when I cancelled the appointment later that day…

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

I went to see a BEAUTIFUL little home on the Upper East Side owned by a married couple. The husband, a tall dark-haired man from Quebec, showed me the place, including his shared bedroom downstairs, and we began to speak in French.

When his wife stepped out of the bathroom, her head shot up and she stared me down the way a coyote scrutinizes a dog before a fight.

She said they were meeting other tenants and slammed the door as I left.

Awkward…

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Dear Diary,

I just read in the Daily News that a Russian guy, Sergey Mamontov, chopped up his room mate after a fight, because he partied too hard….

Another reason not to move to Brooklyn.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Dear Diary,

It makes NO sense that Carry Bradshaw lived alone in a 1-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, ate out all the time, and had so many shoes. She must have had a sugar daddy or a rich uncle in Vermont…

Apartment hunter.

A wise woman once said…

In New York, they say you’re always looking for a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment.

I suppose, this month the  apartment thing is the most pertinent.

Tips to finding a great apartment in Manhattan.

1. Go to a Roommate Party, where entrance is only five dollars and you can meet people in person and see if you click!

2. To avoid $2,000 broker fees, search Craigslist and isolate the search to your budget and location (i.e. $1200 – $1500; Manhattan).

3. It’s okay to contact that random cousin you haven’t spoken to since Christmas ’08. They may have leads.

4. If you are in school, speak to Student Services. Or mention your search to HR or the boss’s assistant at your job (I knew someone who rented out his boss’s place while he got acclimated).

5. Write clear and engaging inquires to renters with words like “tidy” or “lovely.” Be clear about who you are and what you do (and that you are awesome). Customize each e-mail, compliment their “colorful” or “spacious” apartment.

Beware of:

• Humanitarians from Africa needing to rent out their apartment immediately, so please send me your bank account information…
• Dudes looking for a female 20-something roommate….
•  Spacious, beautiful Downtown studio apartments for only $950 a month.
• Ads that say “asdlfh sdo;”

Harlem / Morningside Heights have the best deals for the most space, but it’s a long commute and you gotta have thick skin and street smarts (pas moi...)

Upper East / West side have lovely homes that are great for sharing at inexpensive prices and it’s rather quiet.

It’s not hard to find a good deal in Midtown, though the apartment building maybe a bit worn (i.e. janky). The location is worth it though.

If you find a decent deal in The Village, expect to pay a solid penny every month.

If you want to live in Soho without paying exorbant sugar baby prices, you may want to settle for Bowery, just east of Elizabeth Street.

How to pick up guys at a club in Manhattan.

I suddenly realized that most girls don’t approach most guys.

But I tell you, it is a necessity if you are a twenty-something single girl living it up (or. busting your balls) in Manhattan. You don’t have time to sit around, wait, bat your pretty lashes, and play footsie:

Your twenties last only a decade!!!

Here are a few tips:

1. Wear heals. Not only do men love the way heals accentuate your pretty legs, but it gives you a heavy dose of confidence. And honestly, men love Steve Madden as much as Manolo Blahnik (any man who says otherwise is checking out more than just you and your shoes).

2. Hit the dance-bar or club with one or two best friends. Don’t go with too many girls. Too many ladies in a single group is fun, but creates a dynamic where no one wants to feel left out.

3. Exude that sexy confidence. Stand up straight, play with your hair, laugh, and have fun. (A Manhattan or two doesn’t hurt either…whiskey yum yum.)

4. Speaking of Manhattans, buy your own drink. If you’re waiting for a dude to buy you a drink, you emit an air of neediness and set yourself up for disappointment.

5. Seek a decent man within your immediate surroundings and strike up a convo about anything. He doesn’t have to be hot, in fact, start off with someone who’s decently average. Not only will his attention will make you feel confident, other dudes will see you talking to him and want your attention. (Plus, he may actually be a pretty nice guy despite his average looks, which is just as awesome).

6. Do shots at the bar to get the ball rolling. It’s fun and gets other people’s attention.

7. Leave the bar and go dance with your bestie, no guys allowed. (Generates lots of attention).

8. Keep an eye out for the tall foreign guys: the Swedes, the Frenchies, the Spaniards. They are the easiest to meet because they want to meet new people. These guys may not have table and tend to be around the bar with their buddies.

9. Somewhere, there is likely to be a promoter or some rich dude in real estate with a lot of girls and a lot of champagne. It’s easy to slip through over to their table and pretend your one of the crowd!

10. In Paris, my best friend and I had a thing we called la dance d’amour. When a hot guy was on the dance floor, we’d go over and dance wildly with each other. After a few minutes, flash a quick smile at him, and I promise he will approach.

Alas, with my crazy work and school schedule, I have no more time to go clubbing. So, please share your adventures and I will live vicariously through you.

The Steins Collection: Matisse, Picasso And the Parisian Avant Garde

I visited the Steins Collection at the Met on Sunday.

It is one of the most exciting and comprehensive collections I’ve ever seen.

The muddled technique of the Matisse’s early paintings are a contrast to his more mature works, and it is difficult to see what talent Leo Stein saw in the young artist. Apparently, Leo referred to the Matisse painting as “the nastiest smear of paint” and stalled the purchase for five weeks. Fortunately, because impressionist and post-impressionist paintings were too expensive, the Steins turned their attention to styles such as Fauvism, which were not yet popular.

Henri Matisse, Landscape near Collioure, 1905

The collection features Dish with Apples by Paul Cézanne, one of my favorite artists. Like most of his apple paintings, Cézanne searches for solidarity through color, and in the process, distorts the reality of space.

When the collection was split in 1914, Gertrude and Leo fought over Five Apples, another featured Cézanne painting. During this time, Leo wasn’t a fan of Gertrude’s enthusiasm for cubism, nor did he like her writing (blehhh, me either).

Paul Cézanne, Dish of Apples, 1875–77

The Gertrude homages were an interesting testament to who she must have been….some of them I did not understand (Rose). I was also disappointed by her portrait by Picasso, which demonstrate Picasso’s skill before he dove into cubism.

Pablo Picasso, Gertrude Stein, 1905–06

And if you have time, drop around the corner to reflect on Rouen Cathedral: The Portal (Sunlight) by Claude Monet. For a moment, you will feel like you’re at Le Musée d’Orsay (or perhaps in Combray).

Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral: The Portal (Sunlight), 1894

Le papillon bleu.

Remember all that talk about “never wanting a relationship” and “not believing in love”?

Yeah, all of that blew up in my face.

He caught me. On New Years Eve, I had been wandering around, intoxiqué et perdu, and suddenly he caught me.

Sadly, I don’t think I was ready to be caught. I trifle with hedonism: too much wine, too many presents, too many kisses, too much cash.

And so I ruined things with my intemperance.

I need to remember what it means to be in love again.

Renoir au musée du Frick.

Renoir, Impressionism, and Full-Length Painting will be on display at The Frick from February 7, through May 13, 2012.

The exhibition is based on The Promenade and will include Dance in the City and Dance in the Country (1882–83) from the Musée d’Orsay, Paris, The Umbrellas (1881 and 1885) from The National Gallery, London, Dance at Bougival (1882–83) from the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston.

These are honestly not my favorite Renoirs, but certainly worth checking out.